Reflections on Chasing Dreams and Letting Go

Well here we are in the beautiful and snowy Willamette Valley south of Portland at the beginning of a new year, renting a house while we begin our search for Little Lavender Farm #2.  We made this move because Mark landed his dream job -- and because it would allow me to follow my dream as well.  Yes, I love my Little Lavender Farm in Escondido, but there was only so much I could do with it.  My dream is to have five or so acres, with a few acres of different varieties of lavender, as well as keep bees, plant a big organic garden, maybe host a few events, and eventually have some guest cottages.  And while I was certainly able to achieve some of this in Escondido, the land was like cement, the water was scarce, and I spent most of my time teaching high school.  So here we are where the land is fertile, there is plenty of water and I’ve got a little more time to chase these dreams.

---

But... it’s much more difficult than I thought it would be, this moving thing.  Granted, it’s only been 4 weeks, and we all got sick, and it’s been so cold that I don’t want to venture outside, and we failed miserably at doing Christmas, but even without all of that, it’s been rough. I miss waking up in the morning to the sunshine and the view and the birds and the breeze coming through an open window.  I miss walking outside to feed the chickens and cut some lavender or listen to the sound of our fountain.  I miss the place where I raised my children. And I miss the smiles and the hugs and being known.

And yesterday, after just one day on the market, someone walked into our home in Escondido and fell in love, just as I had 20 years earlier.  So yesterday our house sold. And today my heart is breaking. Sure, I had anticipated that there would be some struggle, but I don’t think I anticipated the ache in my gut and the ready tears. I didn't anticipate how difficult "letting go" would be. I know that I will adjust and that there will be a time when I wake up to sunshine and a view and birds and a breeze coming in through an open window. I know that day is coming.  But today I long for those familiar places and those cherished people and today I am feeling sad.

Tomorrow I will get back to dreaming. Maybe I will do a little “farm shopping.”  I’ll take the dogs for walk and enjoy the beautiful park down the street, and maybe have coffee with a new friend. And tomorrow, when Mark comes home from work with such a big smile on his face, I will feel good about this decision. I know that in order to chase our dreams, I have to be able to let go of the past... just a little...at least enough to grab onto the present.

​So tomorrow I will get back to dreaming. Today I will work on letting go. ​